• Archive of "prayer" Category

    Things I never thought

    May 1, 2006 // 4 Comments »

    Sometimes it can be crazy to think about the course or events of your life and how the most unexpected of things can wind up being the things that most shape and define you.

    I never thought I would go to a Christian college, but in so doing, I found myself a part of a community of friends who shaped the way I think, see, and dream.

    I never thought that when I graduated I would step into a youth ministry position at a megachurch, but these were three of the most formative years of my life.

    I never thought I would relocate to California to attend Seminary, but the time I have had to spend with my family out here, living in a culturally and ethnically diverse community, and the friendships I have made are all some of the most important things in the world to me.

    I didn’t plan for any of these things, they all sort of snuck up on me unexpectedly. In each instance, I ventured into stages of life that were both scary and held little intrinsic promise.

    Many people told me that going to a small, Christian college was a horrible decision. Everything inside of me told me that accepting the position at RiverTree was a bad idea because of how far in over my head I would be. Coming to Fuller tore against every fiber of my being – it made so little sense.

    What do all these things have in common then? They all share the common feature of being what I (and others) discerned to be the leading of God.

    Sometimes I think about where I’d be, what I’d be doing, and who I’d be if I had decided to do what made sense and what was comfortable rather than taking risks and doing be best to follow what seemed to be God’s leading. I feel like I know 2 things for sure…

    1) God would still be present, He would still love me, and He would steal work in and through me
    2) My experience of Him, His grace, His provision, and the excitement of what it means to follow after Christ would be incredibly lessened.

    I don’t think God’s promise to be with us is necessarily contingent on whether or not we take the risks and challenges he places before us, but like any good teacher, God can only give us what we are willing to receive. Once when I was completely stressing over a major decision I had to make, a good friend and mentor asked me, “JR, how many people do you know from Scripture that felt ready and equipped to do what God was asking of them.” None. There were none. Abraham, Moses, David, Isaiah, Mary & Joseph, the disciples, Paul, even Jesus himself, they all balked at, questioned, or otherwise demonstrated the insecurity they felt toward the task to which they were called. Why should we expect any less?

    Heaven forbid that I ever lack the courage to follow where God seems to be leading – that I trade the depths to which I might know and expereince God in all his fullness for the sake of doing that which makes sense, seems logical, and ensures safety and security.

    Posted in bible, church, decisions, family, friends, Fuller Seminary, Jesus, malone, Paul, prayer, school, stories

    Day 4, 5, 6: Whoops!

    March 18, 2006 // 1 Comment »

    Right, so Wednesday, Thusday and Friday were an absolute blur. Not only did I not have any time to post anything, I must confess that I never found time to spend any uninterrupted time in prayer. I don’t feel guilty about that in the least, but I do feel cheated and depleted as a result. That last week of the quarter is just brutal, but it is done. I handed in my last paper yesterday a mere 30 minutes before the deadline – 6 quarters down and just 2 to go. Not only that, I don’t think I will be spending any more time in the class room. Next quarter I am taking 2 online classes and doing a directed study and then I will just be working on a Masters Thesis in the summer. Not having any more classes is actually kinda sad, maybe I’ll go just for the heck of it.

    I got my normal 12 hours of sleep that comes the day after the quarter finishes last night, but I am still tired. Think I am gonna go take a nap. Know why? Cause I can. I’ll try to write more later today if I get a chance.

    Posted in Fuller Seminary, prayer, random

    Day 3: End of My Rope

    March 15, 2006 // 1 Comment »


    So my focused prayer time didn’t roll around until about 11pm. I was in the library from 8-1:30 stressing out over getting a major project which integrated two classes from the quarter done by 5. I ran home to shove a PB&J down my throat and then it was right back to campus to start and finish my portion of a review sheet for a study group I had at 5:30. We studied till 9:30, I had a much needed conversation with a friend for about the next hour and a half. When I left I thought I was absolutely going to collapse.

    I can’t remember the last time I was this emotionally, physically, and psychologically drained. I feel so overwhelmed with issues related to school, work, money, friends, family, theology, and my future that I feel like I could just explode at any moment. One second I feel great, like I can take on the world and the next I want to disappear and never come back. Finals week is always rough, but this one’s the worst one I have experienced to date.

    So my “time with God” was spent on a late night stroll around my block and over at my gym in the Sauna (they don’t like it when you take pictures in there!). For a while, I just tried to breathe and not think really. I prayed for peace and clarity. I prayed for resolutions and discernment. I asked God to help me feel strong again and for Him to use this time to teach me whatever He could. I prayed for the homeless people I passed who may or may not have a place to stay tonight and who may or may not have a meal tomorrow and I remembered, my problems aren’t so bad. God began to remind me of not what is really important, as though my concerns don’t actually matter to Him because they are petty, but He began to remind me of other important matters. He reminded me that His main will for my life is not that I have it all figured out and feel in control, but that I remain open to Him and ready to serve when and how I am called on. God humbled me. It hurt. And I have never felt better.

    Posted in prayer

    Day 2: Careful What You Ask For…

    March 14, 2006 // 2 Comments »

    I said in my last post, “here’s to hoping that the rest of my prayer times for the week are born out of either spiritual brokenness or joy…” I got door one.

    The details don’t really matter, the fast of the matter is that I feel broken for a number of reasons. My prayer time today was spent on a long run down Oakland, one of the most beauiful streets in Pasadena. Mainly I focused on my brokenness and asked God that nagging question, “Why?” “Why this and why that.” I was pretty well able to supply all the stock answers, but they were of little comfort.

    I spent a while voicing my displeasure with the way God was running things, especially in terms of my life. I questioned His faithfulness and love, but He didn’t have much to say. I managed to pray for a few people who are a current source of frustration, but even that might have been pretty selfish.

    At odds with myself, I decided to just try and start thanking God for different things. First I thought about stuff like food and shelter, then family and friends, then health and athleticism, but then something changed.

    I started to thank God for my story, for all the different roads He has been down with me and all the exciting things I have gotten to see and do. I thaned Him for where I’m at and even for hard times that I have been through in the last year and a half. I thanked Him for what lies ahead, even though I am having trouble trusting Him and so much is unknown. I do have so much to be thankful for.

    2 lessons to be learned here. First, there really is something to be said for having a thankful heart, it has an incredible ability to change your whole attitude and outlook. Second, this post is not a devotional intended to leave you with the impression that I chose to be thankful and that “fixed” or otherwise alleviated the brokenness I feel. It didn’t. I am still angry, disappointed, sad, and confused. And this is that special place where I think ones relationship with God and their place in Christian community are supposed to converge in a miraculously redemptive and life-restoring sense.

    Posted in community, prayer

    Day 1

    March 13, 2006 // 5 Comments »

    This didn’t start off the way I wanted it to.

    It’s been a while since I attended a standard church service. This morning, I decided to go with my rommate Ryan to the church service he typically attends at Christian Assembly. I planned on this being my opportunity for the day to spend some time in focused prayer.

    The reality is (I’m just being honest, so be gentle) I spent most of my time praying for Christians. You’ll have to take my word for it when I say I am getting as tired about criticizing and critiquing the Church in Western culture as most of you are with hearing me do it. But the fact of the matter is, there was basically nothing about this service that I found satisfying personally or theologically. The music was basically all “me” focused, and the sermon, which was about peace as a fruit of the Spirit, was the pastor’s commentary on a series of prooftexts which he twisted in such a way that they lost all historical implications and were interpreted individualistically. There was a baby dedication during which the entire congegation was asked to pledge themselves to supporting the parents as well as these infants, but the fact of the matter is, more than 90% of those who did so will never so much as talk to those families. I was sad.

    So I prayed things like this…

    “God, please help me to remember that you are mightily at work in all sorts of situations and that my (and our) failings are not insurmountable for you.”

    “Father, I pray that people would know your peace in their lives, but I pray even more that people would realize that your great plan is shalom for the entirety of creation and we are just a part called to participate in it.”

    “I pray that pastors and church leaders all over the world would boldly proclaim the gospel of your salvation, not as something that people can take or leave at their pleasure, but as a matter of reality, the importance of which knows no equal.”

    “Please open my eyes to how you may yet work through your covenant people to call those who follow you to repentance and humility. May this not be delayed, but hasten as we long to know the great power of your mercy and grace in the world.”

    “Father would you do whatever you need to humble me so that your power can be made perfect in my weakness. Thank you for the family and friends you have out in my life who are a constant blessing.”

    Amen

    – Here’s to hoping that the rest of my prayer times for the week are born out of either spiritual brokenness or joy and not more cynical disappointment.

    Posted in church, prayer

    I Miss Praying

    March 12, 2006 // 2 Comments »

    It struck me today that this time of the year is a killer when it comes to praying (if you don’t count the prayers for good grades!) and I really like praying – it’s a source of life for me. But, between research that has to get done, papers that need written, exams that need studied for, and some assemblance of a social life to maintain sanity, really setting aside time to pray, especially for others, just seems to get lost.

    So here’s what I’m gonna do. For the next week (exam week), I am going to be intentional about having focused prayer times. I’ve never been one for the quinticential “quiet time,” so I will proabably try and pray in different places and for different things. To keep myself accountable, I will try and blog each day about where I was and what I prayed for – maybe I can even post pictures of where I was or something like that. Feel free to join me and let me know how it goes.

    Posted in blogging, prayer

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