I am the lone single person amongst a group of folks (7 couples) trying to figure out what it means and looks like to let what it means to be the church flow from our sharing of lives together. A couple months ago we decided that we would spend a number of weeks hashing out the implications of a DVD series around the book Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. I have really enjoyed the discussions we’ve had as a result and in the midst of one of those a while back, I had this thought…
I wonder if many people struggle in marriage because they stop pursuing the other person. We spend so much time pursuing someone for the sake of getting married to them, but once we are, we get more focused on the state of marriage than the pursuit of another. It seems to me that it’s when we enter marriage that the real pursuing ought to begin.
I am taking my cues from the extent to which marriage is a parable of the relationship which exists between Christ and the Church. I would say that we have an equally unfortunate idea about salvation - that what really matters is some beginning point and not all that follows after. Just as I would say salvation is a journey in which we pursue God and are pursued by God with ever increasing depth, I would say the same for marriage. It is in relationship that we have the truest freedom to pursue the other.
When we cease to pursue God (He never stops pursuing us by the way), we get bored with our faith and vibrancy is lost. So too in marriage, when either party stops taking initiative to pursue the other in terms of who they are becoming, marriage loses its vibrancy and excitement.
I am under no delusion that this would ever be an easy thing, but I am not sure many people look at marriage like this - at least I haven’t heard them talk about it this way. I wonder what marriages would look like if we thought of the point at which we enter them as the starting and not finish line?
Whether the journey of discipleship or the journey of marriage - what seems to matter most is the pursuit as opposed to the status.
5 responses so far ↓
1 Jason Z. // Aug 5, 2008 at 10:13 pm
Hi JR. Good post on marriage. And coincidentally, on the day Debbie and I celebrate our 19th wedding anniversary.
I remember two concepts that I learned on my journey of marriage that have helped me continuously pursue my wife. The first was grasping the fact that Debbie was God’s unique gift just for me. Realizing that she wasn’t just someone I “chose” or “won” but rather God’s gracious gift to me turned my marriage into a daily journey of growth with Debbie.
The second concept I learned was that the priority of marriage is to make Debbie and me holy more than happy. This means learning to joyfully serve and sacrifice for my wife rather than looking at her as the source of my happiness. And in the midst of serving and sacrificing with joy, I discover wonderful happiness through her.
Thanks for your post.
2 Katie Cordell // Aug 6, 2008 at 9:44 am
Beautifully said JR. I think you should lead tonight!
3 Patti // Aug 6, 2008 at 9:55 am
My favorite blogger is back!!
4 JR Rozko // Aug 6, 2008 at 2:43 pm
@Jason - I actually had you in mind when I wrote this on account of your anniversary post. I think you model what I was talking about here really well.
@Katie - Thanks, but maybe we’ll just lean on the experienced wisdom of our married friends!
@Patti - Well, well, look who’s commenting now!
5 sarah christoph // Aug 6, 2008 at 8:20 pm
So true! goodness!… and the pursuing needs to be from both spouses in my opinion. When only one spouse continually seeks out the other, the relationship is one sided and all kinds of awful problems develop. Honest communication and self sacrificing is required in relationships as well because no one will feel like pursuing the other all of the time, but if both are pursuing Christ and encouraging, praying for, etc. their husband/wife in Christ, then even by doing this, they are also pursuing each other in a sense. From what I’ve experienced, even if you are the one pursuing most of the time, the absense of relationship with Christ (or pursuit of Him) ultimately leads to burn out and hopelessness. Any close relationship for that matter, can be closer and more fulfilling with Christ. As a side note, I am thankful that though I am imperfect and fail to pursue Christ as much as I should, He is perfect and His love never fails towards us- He doesn’t get burnt out by our lack of interest or pursuit, instead He keeps on loving us and being faithful to us when we are not loving… but I believe He always hopes for our pursuit, waits and anticipates it, longs for it- and just that makes me want to let him have me!
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