lifeasmission

Aside from my day in the city being memorable on account of the things I got to see and do, it is memorable for another reason as well - a sad one.

As we were driving home from the city I sat exhausted in the backseat of the car. I was replaying the day in my head, reliving what I saw and experiences. Suddenly my thought were carried to contemplate what I thought, said, and how I acted in general throughout the day and I was struck with a profound sense of disappointment.

I’m not sure of you’re ever had a day or feeling like this, but I sat there and thought to myself, “I just don’t like who I was today. I don’t like what I thought. I don’t like what I said. And I don’t like how I acted in general.” Of course you would think the next logical step would be to identify specific points at which I was disappointed, but that’s wasn’t the case. It wasn’t quite as simple as that. Thinking about it now, maybe it wasn’t so much what I did do, but what I didn’t do that affected me. It’s just that in general my attitude was not one of patience or love or generosity but of frustration, anger and selfishness. And as someone who aspires to let Christ live through him, this was a great disappontment.

How unfortunate it is that we often live in these former attitudes and see them as the logical consequence of situations and circumstances rather than asserting that with the strength of God these attitudes can be overcome and replaced with the former ones I mentioned.

Dr. Phil and the rest of the self-help world would have us believe that this sort of conversion is well within our grasp - all we have to do is decide to do it. I think that’s a bunch of crap. I am realizing more and more that leading the kind of joy-filled and brilliant life that God has in mind for each of us - the kind which others take note of and ask us about - takes constant vigilance and dependence on the Holy Spirit. I am praying that this kind fo disappointment becomes less and less common in my life.